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Fondants C
Otherwise, Vanessa.
18, and learning to be it
Mail Me: creamsfondants-@hotmail.com
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Hsiaoen
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Sunday, June 26
What it takes to be a happy person
Is simply to just don't care. I guess that's why I'll always be unhappy, because asking me to stop caring is close to impossible.
Saying goodbye to hgb is probably what should have been.
Too happy and cheery. I'm a major buzz kill around him.
And probably because I see someone there for him that is so much better for him than I'll ever be. Next to her I look like Satan. Guess that's why it doesn't feel all that good. Maybe we ran out of things to talk about. Maybe I'm just too much to handle. Like I always am.
Seriously wish that I can just ignore everything that's really not quite my business and give myself an easier time. I can't but I'll try.
So much for my determination to remain uncontactable today. But at least this off day I managed to read a few chapters of a book, make marshmallow treats, do some chores, spend some time watching the tv which was good. At some point it just felt like it was right again. Some time for myself no matter how little it was.
Cannot see my next off day in the near forseeable future and hence today was really important to me.
Forever sad and depressed.
Saying goodbye to hgb is probably what should have been.
Too happy and cheery. I'm a major buzz kill around him.
And probably because I see someone there for him that is so much better for him than I'll ever be. Next to her I look like Satan. Guess that's why it doesn't feel all that good. Maybe we ran out of things to talk about. Maybe I'm just too much to handle. Like I always am.
Seriously wish that I can just ignore everything that's really not quite my business and give myself an easier time. I can't but I'll try.
So much for my determination to remain uncontactable today. But at least this off day I managed to read a few chapters of a book, make marshmallow treats, do some chores, spend some time watching the tv which was good. At some point it just felt like it was right again. Some time for myself no matter how little it was.
Cannot see my next off day in the near forseeable future and hence today was really important to me.
Forever sad and depressed.
Saturday, June 25
Mighty disappointed with myself today.
I've always known I have issues, but this period of time, I'm really just letting them get to me. I dont know why but I;m not making the effort to contain them.
Oweek stuff, things going on at home and stuff really are giving me a headahce. But I really think it wasn't right. It was okay to tell them off, but flaring up and getting too emotional was really wrong. And I'm disapointed with myself because I didn't think carefully about what I wanted to say. Neither did I trey to say it in a nicer way. And the main point was, I wasn't even so upset about the dance.
I admit I'm broken. I need help.
Somebody, help.
I've always known I have issues, but this period of time, I'm really just letting them get to me. I dont know why but I;m not making the effort to contain them.
Oweek stuff, things going on at home and stuff really are giving me a headahce. But I really think it wasn't right. It was okay to tell them off, but flaring up and getting too emotional was really wrong. And I'm disapointed with myself because I didn't think carefully about what I wanted to say. Neither did I trey to say it in a nicer way. And the main point was, I wasn't even so upset about the dance.
I admit I'm broken. I need help.
Somebody, help.
Monday, June 6
I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too
What have I done wrong now?
You have no fucking idea what it's like living on nothing.
Did you grow up worrying about how to pay for your education?
Did you grow up feeling like you don't belong in your own home?
What it's like to feel unwanted?
Inadequate?
I'm not messed up. I'm just broken.
And I'm honestly tired of being surrounded by people who are too privileged to give a fuck. They act like they care but how can they when they don't have any idea what it feels like.
No matter how hard you fight, you still lose.
As much as meritocracy is bullshit, it's the closest thing I have to hold on to to get out of this place. Honestly have you seen how hard I worked? Honestly what have you done except give up on me and adding to it?
You have no fucking idea what it's like living on nothing.
Did you grow up worrying about how to pay for your education?
Did you grow up feeling like you don't belong in your own home?
What it's like to feel unwanted?
Inadequate?
I'm not messed up. I'm just broken.
And I'm honestly tired of being surrounded by people who are too privileged to give a fuck. They act like they care but how can they when they don't have any idea what it feels like.
No matter how hard you fight, you still lose.
As much as meritocracy is bullshit, it's the closest thing I have to hold on to to get out of this place. Honestly have you seen how hard I worked? Honestly what have you done except give up on me and adding to it?