There's a reason why people don't stay who they are

Saturday, October 23

Too High Can't Come Down

[EDIT]

I am kind of done with SE project! Omg the freedom! :D

My group mate was kinda driving me insane but at least I could bitch about it with my other group mate.

Nicholas got a player. Will try to warn him.

Matthew Morrison's ultra sexy voice keeps replaying in my head.

It's in the the air And it's all around Can you feel me now?

Hoping my project can pull my overall grade up to A-/B+

3 more assignments coming up.

BHID ended and I missed the last session for tuition and project :(

Gotta start loving myself more!

Over commitment and putting everything before myself will kill me one day.

But... I think I'm getting better there.

I want to fast forward to end of sem.

I want have chomp chomp.

I want to go shopping.

I am going to be unemployed quite soon when exams for my tutee ends ):

I want to tell how badly you suck.

I want to lock my heart up in a vault.

Because everything that looks vaguely good on the outside, is hardly any good on the inside.

Proven by Nicholas's case again.

Extremely tired.

Bahhhhhhhhhh.

[/EDIT]

I REALLY WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT LEECHES AND 4 ONGOING ASSIGNMENTS/PROJECTS AND SCHOOL BEING AN ENERGY SUCKING BLACKHOLE BUT BEING SO ENERGY DRAINED IM JUST GON DO IT TMR OR SUMTHIN.

AND I FOUND OUT SUMTHIN THIS WEEK THAT REALLY MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL.

PLUS I GOT A B ON MY SE REFLECTION PAPER. DAMNIT A B?!?! :(

MEHHHHHHH NIGHTS.

ANYWAY TUMBTUMBLETUMBLING.TUMBLR.COM

Friday, October 15

Can't Remember When I Last Saw You Laughing

if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

Hahahahahha don't ask me why. I think we all need something to laugh at.

Wednesday, October 13

Thoughts

A lot a lot a lot of things went through my mind just now. So much that I couldn't sit down and do work(not that there's much now), so much that I couldn't watch HIMYM in peace (this is so rare because I normally save it for rewards to get me through the days), so much that I didn't want to reply all my group mates about my projects, so much that I wanted to stuff my face with food, so much that immediately after that I thought my thighs were huge and I needed to go for a run.

Well, choosing to go to FASS was kind of a big thing for me, I wasn't sure econs was what I wanted, or if it were what I could do well in. It wasn't all bad for midterms, but it should be better than this if it were my intended major. I mean, I even did better for New Media which I hated.

And you shall say, That doesn't mean you give up right? Its just one test. (Like 30%)

But still I got to seriously reconsider what I am heading into.

Sure, I like econs, but I don't want to be doing something that I'm only gonna be scrapping by in, and get like CAP 2.7?

Which led me to think about my other options... Which led me to think about how I am just not good at anything.. Which led me to think about what little I have achieved and what little I am capable of... Which led me to thinking about doing something else altogether (my bakery)... Which led me to thinking about my self worth, my worth to others, our pro-suicide conversation and how I said your life is not just your choice because you mean something to someone else and you cannot just end your life like that, and then I wonder (only for a fleeting moment) if I were something to someone.

And then I decided I wanted to run away from everything a bit, just for a while. But I realise what I was trying to do, can never be done, because all I want to do is run away from myself. It annoys me so much when I'm whiny. And I realise it's not that I'm not any good at all, but I'll just never be good enough for myself. And nobody can change this mentality. I seriously wonder who can ever handle me.

I think I live to please other people a bit too much. I derive my self worth from what I can do for others and not what I can do. I am approval seeking, I have low self esteem. I try over zealously to be something, to prove to myself this life is worth living.

But well, I said I'm learning, and dealing with myself is part of it, so I did, I went for my 4km run. My mind was racing, my breath was running ahead of me, my heart was pounding, my knee was aching. I knew I was going too fast to go far, but I couldn't slow down, there was so much frustration I needed an outlet.

At the last 50m, it occurred to me, everything is so much easier when you do it with a smile.

I may not have a lot of things going for me, but that does not mean nothing is.

Don't bend, don't break, don't back down right?

The econs thing is a bother,but since when have I given up so easily? What happened with physics and history? I kept to it...

I could sit around and mope, or do something about it while I still can to turn it around. And if it doesn't, I still have sem2 to figure things out.

Independence, self-centered (not in a bad way) and recovery.

Personal goals.

P.S Am better now, replied texts, shall look at EL project and get something from 7-E to munch on. Well, its already past 12am...

Saturday, October 9

They Say I Look Like a Bao

Very lazy these 2 days... And I think I'm slowly developing the habit of not replying/reply texts very slowly.

Nehhhhhhhh Midterm results are slowly coming out ):

Goodbye elearning, goodbye good life.

Thursday, October 7

Can Never Find A Better Way To Say This, I Am Really Happy Now

Sunday, October 3

My Life Needs Compartments Just Like My Bag

Updating like 3 days in a row! Woohoo! Hahahah I woke up from an awesome sleep last night, 11hours, undisturbed peaceful quality sleep where there was no waking up in the middle, which I haven't had in a long time. Woke up to me-time, scribbling in my organiser, writing TTDs, planning my week. Rather awesome, and I cleaned out my cupboard and shelves about to start on EL and stuff later after I blog.

Packing up my cupboard really gave me a big headache. I HAVE SO MANY CLOTHES. Its true what they say, we wear 20% of our clothes 80% of the time. And... I can't bear to throw them away ):

These clothes are either:

1. Too new, only wore once

2. Bought by my mum for me

3. Have a lot of sentimental value

4. All of the above

5. I can think of uses for them

In my cupboard now there are:

1. Teaching clothes/Formal wear

2. Formal blazer and informal blazer

3. A denim jacket, a leather jacket, an Adidas jacket, a windbreaker and 5 cardigans?

4. School uniforms and school based Ts

5. Many many many many dresses

6. Wear-at-home clothes

7. Wear-to-school clothes

8. PJs

And this is such a big problem now. For 1, I can still think of so many occasions I might need them, if for say I minor in marketing or intern or something, so they stay. 3 is really rubbish though, it is like what, 30degrees in Singapore?! Wonder what came over me to buy the leather jacket, only wore it once! And my windbreaker has been around since forever, so much sentimental value even though I have very little use for it. It is so cosy I love hugging it when I study, I even wore it to sleep once. School uniforms and other school clothes are all off limits because they matter quite a lot to me. Dresses are also under-worn since I haven't been going out much, so apart from those that are more school-ish the rest are rotting away. Wear-at-home clothes really is a huge problem, you see, I spend so much time outside of my home that I don't have time to wear them, even when I am at home, its night time and I'm in PJs! So how!

I need to give away some stuff. Just tell me if you want anything. Help me. This is the best reminder of why I shouldn't go shopping. Until I clear up all these stuff. The leather jacket definitely has to go.

Cleaning out my shelves...... Very memorable things I found!

This is what the guitar exco wrote for us, everyone of us, it was so good.

Hahahahahah and this is what A13 wrote for Dear Kelly. Hilarious! I've kept it for 3 years omg?!

This is target setting for Prelims and Alevels I guess?

Xmas cards I made in 2007, only didnt get to pass it to Cheryl and YiJie, but can't really read Cheryl's though.

One of the many MCs during JC days. After a while I just skipped school so often I didn't even bother getting MCs.

HAHAHAHA MCTs WERE SO BAD?!?! SYF period......... but I loved the comments! Heeheehee

And the letters huishan wrote to me in JC! I really loved them, keeping them still. But due to content I never scan and upload. LOL. Gossip queen what do you expect? Hahahaha.

Even clearing my shelves are also very bad. Look at all these things, so much sentimenta

l value ): So I kept them still, and even though I swear never to touch history again, every set of notes and readings I have are so complete and neatly filed I can't bear to throw them away, but each set is like 5 inches thick and I have 5 sets at least. SO MUCH SPACE. I even have all my WR drafts with me.

But then I decided since I have so much problem throwing things away, I am not gonna keep things around for long now. Gotta be diligent in packing my things!

Recent things got me thinking about all the people in my life. All of these people I love so much and I'm so glad they are with me.

"You also need to take breaks luh! No matter what I think you can do it once you set your mind to it! :)) this is Vanessa we're talking about! She cycled 16km before. She scored damn well for her a levels. And she's a teacher helping her students.. Of cos she's capable right! :)) you just need to believe in yourself! :))"

Hi suhan you still read my blog! Hahaha and no I'm that good! 16km is not a lot actually! Actually I don't know if I've ever told you this, but without you, I don't know how I would have ever gotten through my JC days. So many times I was angry, upset and stressed you were always there to listen to me and calm me down. I think without you, I would still have been the bad tempered and fiery person I was and I would have offended the whole world already! And this is one thing that has been bugging me, I really wished I had more time so that I could do this with you and you wouldn't have to be that alone. I wished I could be more of a help than I am now. But nonetheless, I hope you really are doing good now! I believe in you too. You can do this, I will see you next year. Any time you need anything, please call me. I will always have time for you. I mean it.

And all the other people (too lazy to type long messages for everyone) but still...

Pinglynn whom I sometimes really think is my soul mate :D

Elin my babyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Moon my favourite senior

Huisan my mei mei hahahahaha little sister

HuiShan... I don't know how to describe you, we talk about everything!

Yanting the bitch! Hahahah no la, you are my bitch :)

Cheryl, Jade, JianAn and YiJie who bring so much joy and laughter, I swear its magical everytime we meet up!

YuQian, like the big sis I never had.

Geraldine my dearest aunty

Chermaine, Yankan haha guitar gossip mongers!

Rondom! I think its really apt, class rondom, we are like a class and you guys are all so awesome you make going to school fun! I actually like going to school more than staying at home. I like going for Muay Thai with Nicholes the Champ (LOL) and Vivian, I like going for BHID with JiaYun, Shamini and SiJia. I like going to lectures are sitting together in a whole row, I like going to midterms and taking the lift together, I like having supper and OG outings, I like going home with the Easties.

And at CSC all the nice people who are actually really funny too.

I am actually really glad I met people that are nice and fun. Actually a lot of people still but its really ........... to list them all. I'm tired ):

Hahaha I really don't know what more I need in my life. Haven't been feeling very good for awhile but I guess that's because I tried to pile things on without organising my life. Its like my bag - one big mess, I just throw everything in and fish around for what I need. But ugh, everyone needs time adapting, I'm trying, slowly, finding my way. I'm on my way there!

Saturday, October 2

The Worst is Over/Yet to come

Taking a breather from..... everything.

Trudging through the past few weeks like a zombie, sick and tryna study for midterms. And to think midterms were over in just a blink of an eye. But still yay to no more 2am essay writing, no more rereading readings, no more splitting headache and choking flu, no more dragging myself about from school to tuition to study to home, no more stress eating, no more fats! (just kidding) and hello HIMYM, glee, GG, BBT! Hahahaha ok la, not like I actually stopped watching during recess week.......... but I got cut down ah! And I want to go shopping, have meet ups and give myself a break!

I am acting like my midterms are over, they are not actually and I still have projects... ):

Mostly importantly, closure.

Tuition is starting to pick up! And that makes so many things look better. Perseverance all the way! Lol. BHID is starting to be rewarding...... slightly...... Muay thai is fun! Hahaha and my sci gem was a joke.

I'm good now, no doubt it felt so sore but then I'm glad it's over and I will be better than I ever was.

Anyway my blog no photos so boring and uninteresting. Ok I will make an effort...

Friday, October 1

This is for you

Oh so now you are happy and it doesn't matter who you hurt along the way to get there?

Hmm. Fine by me. The next time you try to talk to me, well you just try.

If my chungcheng days taught me any thing, it is not to sit by and get messed around.

I am bitter and pissed no doubt, but there are bound to be people like you who spring up and spoil my day every once in a while. But you know what? I have people in my life the exact opposite of you who can turn any bad day around, and boy am I glad.

So you are not worth it. Not one bit.