Molly Elaine Chi Pang Ying Liao Jade Lee Xin Yi Bimbo

The suspense

The Idiots

See those forced smiles, sigh sigh. While it was being openly discussed, the As and the Bs, I buried my head and tried to seek solace in my own arms, can't block out the sound, block out the sound. It's better not to speak. Or a whirlpool of emotions might just stir up a big storm of tears, word vomit, or simply, vomit. So sick in the guts, sick in the guts. I always hate it about intuition. Hits the nail, my nail, right on the head.

Then 2pm came and went.

Suspense, anticipation, tears of anxiety (not from me, not from me). The moment when I really cried, Sorry Mrs Tan, Miss Gan. Sorry.

"But it's alright, you're happy with your results right?"

-nods vaguely- Oh, the lie.

Ran away with an open faucet pouring tears down my cheeks. I really didn't want to be left alone. But then it was pretty clear, no one would be there for me. Too caught up with themselves, with themselves. The excitement before just fades away, fades away. Now I just feel so weak in the knees, weak in the knees. Makes some phonecalls, to hear some voices. None of them comforting enough. Be Happy, Be Happy, Be Very Happy.

And the expectations and disappointment sets in. However gentle their tone of voice, attempting to hide their disappointment, I could hear it. Very clearly, the Oh. Ringing in my ears, in my ears. It was beyond me, quite easily satisfied me. It was those expecting faces, those expecting people. I did it again. Screw up a major exam, the way I did back then, back then.

I'm sorry. Word vomit. At least I'm happy now?

Ok, I'm not.

A Small Part Of 08A13, With Love!

[edit]
I'm the worst. Ever. Undeserving of any empathy or friends like them. My insides feel like its been churned over and over in a blender. Queasy. It has never been in me to stab anyone in the back. Especially a friend. Even with my mouth, the one with a mind of its own, it never told of such things. But I appreciate your trust in me. And I do too, would like to confide in someone, possibly, trustworthy. It's not easy to think straight. I started the day wrong. Slept an hour too little, added too much salt to my wrong order, and a cheque 10bucks short. When did it start to manifest in me, distrust and scorn? Slowly swallowing my patience with her whole, then spitting out the remanants of annoyance. It didn't use to bother me how she always made others conform to meet her needs. Now I start to call it selfishness. (Maybe cause now I've got friends who only think of others first)

It would be an act of dishonour if I choose to tell you about the lying friend. But Huisan, it was an act of dishonour on my part when I let those words just fall out of my mouth. I don't believe in apologies because I know it can't undo anything. But I'm filled up to my mind with remorse now and that was the best I could manage.

And now I'm off to kill someone else's faith in me.

How I hate that word faith.

[/edit]

8:32:00 AM ·