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Fondants C
Otherwise, Vanessa.
18, and learning to be it
Mail Me: creamsfondants-@hotmail.com
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Hsiaoen
Rachel
Cheryl
Huishan
Huisan
Moon
JianAn
JingYi
Yinghui
Jasmine
MEI NU
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Thursday, April 27
aspirations
aspirations :DD
MYE :
A1 for chem
A1 for geog
A2 for HCL
A2 for eng
B3 for amaths
B4 for emaths
C5 for phy
C5 for SS
C6 for ehist :DD
ok, my standards arent exactly high but. heheh. who cares. this is actually a reference from common test results, improve all by 2 grades? hehe. i shall be leaving this here and this shall mark my last day online till after MYEs. so i'll be back with my results to check -gasps.
btw, in the mean time any kind and smart soul would like to offer help ?
i think im rather useless, but if i cant even convince myself, how can i convince him? if we both couldnt convince ourselves, how could we convince him no matter how crappy we can get? i think that CCH is a gone case, if you get what i mean. i dont want to discourage anyone the way i am now but seriously im only being straight forward. anyway, i hate myself as much as you mayhate me me, so.
-lameshit.
MYE :
A1 for chem
A1 for geog
A2 for HCL
A2 for eng
B3 for amaths
B4 for emaths
C5 for phy
C5 for SS
C6 for ehist :DD
ok, my standards arent exactly high but. heheh. who cares. this is actually a reference from common test results, improve all by 2 grades? hehe. i shall be leaving this here and this shall mark my last day online till after MYEs. so i'll be back with my results to check -gasps.
btw, in the mean time any kind and smart soul would like to offer help ?
i think im rather useless, but if i cant even convince myself, how can i convince him? if we both couldnt convince ourselves, how could we convince him no matter how crappy we can get? i think that CCH is a gone case, if you get what i mean. i dont want to discourage anyone the way i am now but seriously im only being straight forward. anyway, i hate myself as much as you mayhate me me, so.
-lameshit.
Sunday, April 23
"..baby bu yao zai ku qi
zhe yi mu dou mo shou xi.."
suddenly starts playing from my mp3.
"mei yi ci he ni fen kai
shen shen de bai ni da bai.."
ohwells. i pretty much feel like stopping the earth's rotation now. what a coincindence that this should play now. i understand that all this is not avoidable. in a week like this, with pretty weather and scenery, i dealt with the loss of 4 people. so exaggerated. boo.
mrsP has gone back to her class now and left us here. im not upset because SHE's coming back but rather mrsP leaving. i've never heard any of my classes last time thank any teacher so loudly before as on friday. we enjoyed each other, and she treated us as friends. she's wasnt just a comic relief. she was what we call a teacher. not like SHE who treats us worse than her dogs.
tangyu and yueru died ytd DD: they died because they love. and they'll be loved. haha. not like it has anything to do with me but just made use of the chance to cry : DD toa payoh rained ytd. and i happened to see her msg when i was in the rain, so i cried in the rain. it feels rather nice. at least it aint obvious you're crying. its not that its really really that sad, just realised i havent cried my heart out for a very long time. and it helps :DD
now that she's left, i wonder how i am to go on with the others. its bad enough that people have to keep leaving after one another and i came to realise that its only been about a little more than a year that she was leading us. its quite amazing what she does. again here, THANKYOU and SORRY.
there is none like you.
kiss goodbye.
zhe yi mu dou mo shou xi.."
suddenly starts playing from my mp3.
"mei yi ci he ni fen kai
shen shen de bai ni da bai.."
ohwells. i pretty much feel like stopping the earth's rotation now. what a coincindence that this should play now. i understand that all this is not avoidable. in a week like this, with pretty weather and scenery, i dealt with the loss of 4 people. so exaggerated. boo.
mrsP has gone back to her class now and left us here. im not upset because SHE's coming back but rather mrsP leaving. i've never heard any of my classes last time thank any teacher so loudly before as on friday. we enjoyed each other, and she treated us as friends. she's wasnt just a comic relief. she was what we call a teacher. not like SHE who treats us worse than her dogs.
tangyu and yueru died ytd DD: they died because they love. and they'll be loved. haha. not like it has anything to do with me but just made use of the chance to cry : DD toa payoh rained ytd. and i happened to see her msg when i was in the rain, so i cried in the rain. it feels rather nice. at least it aint obvious you're crying. its not that its really really that sad, just realised i havent cried my heart out for a very long time. and it helps :DD
now that she's left, i wonder how i am to go on with the others. its bad enough that people have to keep leaving after one another and i came to realise that its only been about a little more than a year that she was leading us. its quite amazing what she does. again here, THANKYOU and SORRY.
there is none like you.
kiss goodbye.
Friday, April 21
today's sky is prettyy !
as though everything is coated in yellow, just totally immersed in it.
everything looked so fairytale-like
and i looked and saw myself
first time ive seen myself and feel fictional.
not part of a fairytale
but fake;
just plain fake like i belong in a fictional place
so afraid to touch anything
like i would evaporate into the air
im begining to feel more and more that my existence is purely annoying. im just like that piece in the jig saw puzzle that wouldnt fit. truth is, im like a jinx, believe or not just ask ard. ive been hearing that throughout the whole day today. its not what i hear, but i felt that way.
it doesnt matter what i do,
where i am,
what i say,
it just doesnt matter.
to anyone im but vapour in the air
unnoticeable and useless.
as though everything is coated in yellow, just totally immersed in it.
everything looked so fairytale-like
and i looked and saw myself
first time ive seen myself and feel fictional.
not part of a fairytale
but fake;
just plain fake like i belong in a fictional place
so afraid to touch anything
like i would evaporate into the air
im begining to feel more and more that my existence is purely annoying. im just like that piece in the jig saw puzzle that wouldnt fit. truth is, im like a jinx, believe or not just ask ard. ive been hearing that throughout the whole day today. its not what i hear, but i felt that way.
it doesnt matter what i do,
where i am,
what i say,
it just doesnt matter.
to anyone im but vapour in the air
unnoticeable and useless.
Tuesday, April 18
i kinda totally hate myself now.
i HATE the way im behaving
i HATE the way im talking
i HATE the way im thinking
i HATE the way im treating him
i HATE the way i look at others
i HATE the way im hating myself now
i HATE the way i get flustered when i play my pieces.
i HATE the way i sit
i HATE the way i eat
i HATE the way i blurt out with vulgarities when im angry
i HATE the way im angry now
i HATE the way i get annoyed by you
i HATE every single bit of myself now.
i wonder how many would agree with me. plenty i suppose. im THAT detestable. ok, im annoyed. so annoyed with myself.
i HATE the way im behaving
i HATE the way im talking
i HATE the way im thinking
i HATE the way im treating him
i HATE the way i look at others
i HATE the way im hating myself now
i HATE the way i get flustered when i play my pieces.
i HATE the way i sit
i HATE the way i eat
i HATE the way i blurt out with vulgarities when im angry
i HATE the way im angry now
i HATE the way i get annoyed by you
i HATE every single bit of myself now.
i wonder how many would agree with me. plenty i suppose. im THAT detestable. ok, im annoyed. so annoyed with myself.
Sunday, April 16
how do you tell if a person is happy?
usually the one who smiles the most, is the most upset.
the one who behaves depressed, is not as sad.
i love long quiet bus rides home.
i get to sit down and clear things out with myself.
i realised even if at times i dont see the stars
they are there, the same way He is.
usually the one who smiles the most, is the most upset.
the one who behaves depressed, is not as sad.
i love long quiet bus rides home.
i get to sit down and clear things out with myself.
i realised even if at times i dont see the stars
they are there, the same way He is.
Friday, April 14
God is amazing !
geog 28/40 this is an A2 !
social studies 9/17 i passed ! PRAISE GOD !
ehist 9/25 DD:
combine humanites 44.4/100
heehee. i still failed. i rather i failed social studies too. but ms gan's comment was " a good attempt despite you being sleepy in class " hey ! i told i fake fake de le wht. see now my class so stress le la ! boo. haha shitty me !
happen to chance upon something and i believe it was God again. browsing through my phone, i saw this :
" Pledge
i, Vanessa, on this day, 3 Feb 2005, pledge to take ownership and personalise eb1 as my very own. help me to focus on You always in doing my best toextend the kingdom of God. help me to work well with the rest of the group in the team and together we will bring cch to greater heights :DD "
so God is reminding me of this promise i made last year. indeed i am not treating this group now as my own. but this group now is not the same as last time. again i chance apon a post card from petts. our group's attendance may have been poor back then but it felt like a group. even if we get good cg attendance now our grp dont even feel like a group.
whatever la ~~
social studies 9/17 i passed ! PRAISE GOD !
ehist 9/25 DD:
combine humanites 44.4/100
heehee. i still failed. i rather i failed social studies too. but ms gan's comment was " a good attempt despite you being sleepy in class " hey ! i told i fake fake de le wht. see now my class so stress le la ! boo. haha shitty me !
happen to chance upon something and i believe it was God again. browsing through my phone, i saw this :
" Pledge
i, Vanessa, on this day, 3 Feb 2005, pledge to take ownership and personalise eb1 as my very own. help me to focus on You always in doing my best toextend the kingdom of God. help me to work well with the rest of the group in the team and together we will bring cch to greater heights :DD "
so God is reminding me of this promise i made last year. indeed i am not treating this group now as my own. but this group now is not the same as last time. again i chance apon a post card from petts. our group's attendance may have been poor back then but it felt like a group. even if we get good cg attendance now our grp dont even feel like a group.
whatever la ~~
Sunday, April 9
God is good !
haha.
i love God !
common test results :
chem 42/49 - highest wor.
phy2219/40 DD:
amaths 23.5/40 my carelessness
emaths 20/40
chinese 69/100
still waitg :
geography
social studies
ehist (:
im not likely to pass .
but ..
thank God ! he help me pass those subjects above because i prayed and believed. even though i couldnt study or put in much effort during that period of time. His presence is so tangible !
haha
please continue to bless me .
mid yr in 3 weeks (?)
ive got my drive to study back !
i love God !
common test results :
chem 42/49 - highest wor.
phy
amaths 23.5/40 my carelessness
emaths 20/40
chinese 69/100
still waitg :
geography
social studies
ehist (:
im not likely to pass .
but ..
thank God ! he help me pass those subjects above because i prayed and believed. even though i couldnt study or put in much effort during that period of time. His presence is so tangible !
haha
please continue to bless me .
mid yr in 3 weeks (?)
ive got my drive to study back !