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Fondants C
Otherwise, Vanessa.
18, and learning to be it
Mail Me: creamsfondants-@hotmail.com
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Hsiaoen
Rachel
Cheryl
Huishan
Huisan
Moon
JianAn
JingYi
Yinghui
Jasmine
MEI NU
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Evander
Philip
MaoQiang
Elin
Jade
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Monday, August 29
i m hooked.
i'm hooked.
hooked to your fishing line of love.
what's life then, without you?
i am not thinking about what ive lost.
i am thinking of wad ive gained.
with what ive gone through, i can share so much.
i can encourage people.
i will not hold back anymore now.
i am gonna take the initiative.
i wanna talk to you the best way i kno how.
u might have gone through worse.
but i went through with him.
hooked to your fishing line of love.
what's life then, without you?
i am not thinking about what ive lost.
i am thinking of wad ive gained.
with what ive gone through, i can share so much.
i can encourage people.
i will not hold back anymore now.
i am gonna take the initiative.
i wanna talk to you the best way i kno how.
u might have gone through worse.
but i went through with him.
Sunday, August 28
21mths
21 mths.
it mught not be sigmificant to u. but to me its just different.so many months. so many 29s. but i feel especially for this 21st month. yep. been in this walk for 21 months with this group of people. i am disappointed, yet thankful. i am thankful that i am still here after 21 mths. when many many times i felt like walking away. how many times? i didnt count. but i am sure you kept track of my walk. you've been there for me all this while. i cant put it down in words. just so thankful for you. am so encouraged by the new bs. valentino. by his great faith and eagerness telling me i must move on too.
i am disappointed. why? becos aft 21mths, i am not far from where i started. i havent been faithful and committed enough. i wanted to give my all and my best but i always hesitated at the very last moment. why am i afraid? i am not strong in my walk. i wasnt committed. it hurts to see others around u suffer. and when i do wanna help them, i just dont kno how to go about it. there's so much i wana share and let them kno the world is not crumbling on them. i ve been through worse. isnt it ironic? to be honest, i never found true good friends. perhaps now yes, i see the truthfulness of their hearts. yet again and again i always get hurt by the one i trusted. wounds may heal by scars do stay. i walking out of it. i am comforting myself. why? i dont wanna live in the pain. i wanna live it up as a christian. i dont want others to see me as an ah-lian. i am a follower of christ. i am gonna live like one. i will have a breakthrough. before i hit my two year spiritual birthday. thats three months later on the 29th. i am gonna see a great transformation in me.
everyday of my life since that faithful day, has been different. i have to be honest. i may have many times felt of walking away. God has always been there without fail. i dont want to hold on to any thing any more. yea, we have to grow up. so leave all these in the past, where it would stay, buried in ur heart.
it mught not be sigmificant to u. but to me its just different.so many months. so many 29s. but i feel especially for this 21st month. yep. been in this walk for 21 months with this group of people. i am disappointed, yet thankful. i am thankful that i am still here after 21 mths. when many many times i felt like walking away. how many times? i didnt count. but i am sure you kept track of my walk. you've been there for me all this while. i cant put it down in words. just so thankful for you. am so encouraged by the new bs. valentino. by his great faith and eagerness telling me i must move on too.
i am disappointed. why? becos aft 21mths, i am not far from where i started. i havent been faithful and committed enough. i wanted to give my all and my best but i always hesitated at the very last moment. why am i afraid? i am not strong in my walk. i wasnt committed. it hurts to see others around u suffer. and when i do wanna help them, i just dont kno how to go about it. there's so much i wana share and let them kno the world is not crumbling on them. i ve been through worse. isnt it ironic? to be honest, i never found true good friends. perhaps now yes, i see the truthfulness of their hearts. yet again and again i always get hurt by the one i trusted. wounds may heal by scars do stay. i walking out of it. i am comforting myself. why? i dont wanna live in the pain. i wanna live it up as a christian. i dont want others to see me as an ah-lian. i am a follower of christ. i am gonna live like one. i will have a breakthrough. before i hit my two year spiritual birthday. thats three months later on the 29th. i am gonna see a great transformation in me.
everyday of my life since that faithful day, has been different. i have to be honest. i may have many times felt of walking away. God has always been there without fail. i dont want to hold on to any thing any more. yea, we have to grow up. so leave all these in the past, where it would stay, buried in ur heart.
Sunday, August 14
i still believe
-entry deleted-
BUT I AM SINCERELY SORRY
i really am. i wasnt trying to insult u but i was just meaning i am willing to apologise and i just wanna noe wad u want me to say then u'll forgive me. i really dun mean it.i really do wanna apologise now. please? i seriously cant open a conversation now. so i cant talk online.
realise that i am still believing and trusting. as much as i would wanna run away and go my heart just not willing to let it all go. im sorry if i got u worrying but just let me take a step at time. i'll be there next week, its a promise. that is if its all over. i dun want things this way either. i never ran. i noe you'll believe me.
again i am sincerely sorry.
BUT I AM SINCERELY SORRY
i really am. i wasnt trying to insult u but i was just meaning i am willing to apologise and i just wanna noe wad u want me to say then u'll forgive me. i really dun mean it.i really do wanna apologise now. please? i seriously cant open a conversation now. so i cant talk online.
realise that i am still believing and trusting. as much as i would wanna run away and go my heart just not willing to let it all go. im sorry if i got u worrying but just let me take a step at time. i'll be there next week, its a promise. that is if its all over. i dun want things this way either. i never ran. i noe you'll believe me.
again i am sincerely sorry.
Wednesday, August 10
run away
im not leaving.
i am not leaving. i am not drifting. i am just taking a break during this holiday. i am trying to sort things out. especially since there wun be a fight afterall. i realised the extend that i am willing to go to protect myself by myself. in the end it was not needed at all cos he was always there. i never knew that would be my respond towards it. PARANOID. yep. i thot i survived anger management. i never flared up during this incident and i thot i made an improvement from last tym. but the fact is i conquered this but another area surfaced. please dun worry. i am just breaking free from the rush of the harvest, though i still believe the harvest is always there. for the first tym in my life i am running away from my problems. so let me be alright? i 'll be fine once school reopens. trust me on that. i needed tym to clear out my thots since things are happening. turning good? yep by grace indeed much better. yep, haven been taking part much in anything. perhaps it was better that way now that i could really get a break.
so yep. please dun worry about me. i am resting to continue on a longer journey. there's really nothing much just the sudden change in situation with the HM-ians that got me reflecting. guess he was trying to get something across to me. i am really fine. so please dun be so sad. i guess i had disappointed u alot. but hey, im back on track right now.
i am not leaving. i am not drifting. i am just taking a break during this holiday. i am trying to sort things out. especially since there wun be a fight afterall. i realised the extend that i am willing to go to protect myself by myself. in the end it was not needed at all cos he was always there. i never knew that would be my respond towards it. PARANOID. yep. i thot i survived anger management. i never flared up during this incident and i thot i made an improvement from last tym. but the fact is i conquered this but another area surfaced. please dun worry. i am just breaking free from the rush of the harvest, though i still believe the harvest is always there. for the first tym in my life i am running away from my problems. so let me be alright? i 'll be fine once school reopens. trust me on that. i needed tym to clear out my thots since things are happening. turning good? yep by grace indeed much better. yep, haven been taking part much in anything. perhaps it was better that way now that i could really get a break.
so yep. please dun worry about me. i am resting to continue on a longer journey. there's really nothing much just the sudden change in situation with the HM-ians that got me reflecting. guess he was trying to get something across to me. i am really fine. so please dun be so sad. i guess i had disappointed u alot. but hey, im back on track right now.
Tuesday, August 9
sheesh
sheesh.
is deejee trying to pick up a fight? she totally doesnt understand the situation.
still recall the sermon about the sponge and all. we are like a sponge, you cant tell from the surface. but if u squeeze it, put it under pressure, what would flow out of it? i can tell mine is BLACK. its nothing good. nothing to be proud of. but at least i admit the fact that i am not worthy. not worthy at all to even be part of this. i dun deserve to run this race. guess its quite obvious to u now huh? stop all the becos he died for us stuff. its not moving me. i noe wad kinda response i would have. perhaps i had wanted to be part of it. but that doesnt feel right. i did try. stop saying i didnt. maybe i dun wanna talk about it. yep. i dun wanna. actually theres no need to bother.
whats with me? i guess i wanna breathe and this is just a right tym.
sheesh
is deejee trying to pick up a fight? she totally doesnt understand the situation.
still recall the sermon about the sponge and all. we are like a sponge, you cant tell from the surface. but if u squeeze it, put it under pressure, what would flow out of it? i can tell mine is BLACK. its nothing good. nothing to be proud of. but at least i admit the fact that i am not worthy. not worthy at all to even be part of this. i dun deserve to run this race. guess its quite obvious to u now huh? stop all the becos he died for us stuff. its not moving me. i noe wad kinda response i would have. perhaps i had wanted to be part of it. but that doesnt feel right. i did try. stop saying i didnt. maybe i dun wanna talk about it. yep. i dun wanna. actually theres no need to bother.
whats with me? i guess i wanna breathe and this is just a right tym.
sheesh
Friday, August 5
live it up
yep.
now wad did i do again? maybe i made some not so nice comments but i did no backmouthing. aint it too serious to jue dou or wadeva?
seen how much my class is willing to help each other. how they stood up for maoqiang. they are a go harmless bunch. neva saw it that way before.
where has mabel gone? they are starting to blame her. wanted to ask her but figured she might be under lots of pressure and i would not want her to break down.its not her fault. she just werent there to clarify. lets not be hard on her.
they are really very harsh. they seem dangerous. but i didnt do anything wrong la. why am i to fear them? just really really insecure. hey are just next door.
everything will be fine. its gonna be over.
now wad did i do again? maybe i made some not so nice comments but i did no backmouthing. aint it too serious to jue dou or wadeva?
seen how much my class is willing to help each other. how they stood up for maoqiang. they are a go harmless bunch. neva saw it that way before.
where has mabel gone? they are starting to blame her. wanted to ask her but figured she might be under lots of pressure and i would not want her to break down.its not her fault. she just werent there to clarify. lets not be hard on her.
they are really very harsh. they seem dangerous. but i didnt do anything wrong la. why am i to fear them? just really really insecure. hey are just next door.
everything will be fine. its gonna be over.